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On the side of a hill in the deep forest green, tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground,
blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain sleeps unaware of the clarion call.
On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves washes the grave with silvery tears,
a soldier cleans and polishes a gun.
War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions, generals order their soldiers to kill
and to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

God to Left Behind Authors, "Nertz to You, Pal-ies."

So, for my book I tried to listen to "Left Behind" (co-written by an second-rate evangelist and a disguarded political operative, they've said worse about other people, live by the sword, die by the sword) to just get the drift of what the crazy was about. I didn't make it much past Chapter 1, which is the scene on the airplane. Between the airplane's captain looking in a mirror and admiring his well-shaped body that all the stewardesses (and most of the females he's ever met) wanted (and that he's enjoyed), the cardboard stock characterization, the poor dialog.. (did I mention how I didn't make it past the first chapter, yeah, there's reasons for that) there was a reporter returning from Israel with the good news about how God had saved Israel from the evil Russians by sending a meteor storm to knock down bombers, fighters, tanks, and nuclear weapons (never mind that isn't how you fight a nuclear war). He obviously was on the plane all a jiggle to bring the news back to the US about this miracle because apparently in the late 80s (when this book was written) he was the only witness to some striking devastation and nobody had film cameras and photo transfers (like AP Wire Photos), international phone calls, diplomatic channels, satellite communications, telex or short wave radios. We were basically back to taking a high-tech wheeled-cart from village to village crying out the news. No, seriously. Did I mention how I couldn't get past the first chapter?

So, when I heard this news about how a hail storm had set off some Israeli Cluster Munitions left over from the ill-fated recent invasion into Lebanon, I just started laughing. Yes, God has spoken, and he destroyed the Israeli munitions, not the munitions of those that have attacked Israel. Note to authors (and most others), God hates war.

So imagine me looking at those aforementioned authors (who in my book will be giving Post-Rapture Tours of Holy Sites until a 5 year-old exposes their charlatanism), pointing and making a Simpson's Nelson Mutz "Ha ha."

7 comments:

David Klecha said...

Heh. In my youthful naivete, I made it through... hm... seven of those books before I realized they weren't a thoughtful treatment of eschatology but a naked, fear-mongering money-grab.

I wasn't all there.

You really ought to read Fred "slacktivist" Clark's weekly deconstruction of both the fiction-as-fiction and Scriptural aspects of the Left Behind books. A lot of stuff I hadn't thought about, when reading them, but obvious in his analysis.

danberlyoung said...

My brother seems to have watched the movie form of it and was telling me once that the good guys were all carying/using Windows laptops and desktops but that the 'evil' guys were all using Macs. Red ones to be exact. (I believe strawberry iMacs and iBooks were the rage at the moment.) He was ribbing me about using the wrong computer.

I replied that actually, Windows was a plague sent upon man by Beelzebub himself and that he would have to be an idiot to use his own plague ridden computer/os. He used Macs because they didn't come from him and actually worked.

After I said that I sat back and marveled at myself for a moment for actually coming up with that good of a retort.

Steve Buchheit said...

Dave, excellent. I'm going to slacktivist right now. I was going to look for Cliff's Notes to the books, but then saw the audiobooks at the library.

Having read a few posts there, all I can say is thanks, Dave. Now I have another blog I've just got to read.

Dan, I remember you talking about that at a party, although I missed the rejoiner line. Excellent. Plus, as I remember form my Mac Evangelista Days, in most movies that contain the AntiChrist (almost typed antihistamines), the good guys use Macs and the bad guys use Gateways. Or something like that.

Steve Buchheit said...

From slacktivits, "Nicolae just doesn't seem very good at Antichristing."

Pop... keyboard... damnit.

Steve Buchheit said...

should have been

Pop... nose... keyboard... damnit.

David Klecha said...

Fred very much as a way with the humor. Plus, he's actually an evangelical Christian, though obviously of a liberal bent, and he's simply fantastic at that level of deconstruction.

Matt Mitchell said...

I group books like this right in the same category as The DaVinci Code and even The Celelstine Prophesy. It's amazing what market targeting can get you even if you're a very poor writer, and an powerful reminder of the strength in sheer numbers of the conservative right.