Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we'd be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Amid Confusion

Every con I've been a part of, there comes a time that happens. It's just like the middle novel doldrums. And I'll say here this isn't a cry for attention or reassurance.

After bs'ing my way through panels and hobknobbing with my friends who are also writers, discovering just how woefully under-read and under productive i am that I feel I'm playing the pretender.

I know it's not really founded on anything more than my own feelings of inadequacy. All these people I look up to we're at similar places in their careers at some point. They were all knewbies and unpublished. It's not like John Scalzi sprang full formed, armored, and published from the riven skull of Patrick Nielsen Hayden.

But what is the difference between me and some super fans that are in the audience. Hell the guy in the Star Wars Stormtrooper getup with the amplified voice box feels like he's given more blood to the temple of writing than I have. Well, at least his sweat, probably.

Again, this isn't a call for reassurance or pity (I've got enough of that somewhere in the well of my soul). I'm putting it out there to share so others who may have the same feeling won't think that they're the only one in the crowd with the false mask of confidence and bragdagio.

5 comments:

Random Michelle K said...

I just saw pictures of you on Dr Phil's LiveJournal.

:)

Christine Purcell said...

It was great seeing you!

Steve Buchheit said...

Yeah, I need to link to those today, Michelle. Also was able to show my wife a little of what goes on at these things. One of these days I'll convince her to come with me. It was also great to catch up with Dr. Phil.

Christine, it was great to see you as well. Including the time we got to talk a little. Sorry I kept you from hanging out longer with Jay. I guess I didn't expect there to be so many invite only parties there. Confusion isn't really know for its party-life outside of the barcon.

Chris Gerrib said...

Yeah, talking to somebody like Jay Lake about writing (250K words AND Chemo!?!?!) can make one feel a bit inadequate.

Steve Buchheit said...

Yeah, Jay puts a lot of us to shame for that output of his. The man is a machine. A good looking, hawaiian-shirt clad machine.