The Bible As I Understand It

Because it sorta came up today. Consider this a subtweet. Note, emphasis given to how I was taught, not to actual word or page count.

Word.

Lights, camera, action! Okay, some set decoration would be nice. It's sorta boring, maybe someone to talk with? Okay, yeah, I understand, maybe some more. Isn't it beautiful? Just one thing…

I had one rule. Get. Out.

I might have been hasty. Yes, that smells nice. Say, where's whatshisface?

I'm not upset that you did it. I'm disappointed that you lied.

Things are kinda going downhill lately. I think I'll start over. That guy, he looks descent and the animals never did anything they shouldn't.

Okay, I guess I over reacted. I won't ever do that again.

Wait, you're practically just off the boat and you go and do this? I'm outa here.

Yes, yes, I hear you and you seem a descent fellow, but I've been burned before. I'm going to need some proof. Okay, okay, I believe you.

Let's try a little smiting, some curses. You're all just disappointing me.

I'm sorry, I want you back. Go tell them I want them back. Look, don't make me get medieval on your ass. Remember this whole thing started with parting the waters… still got it.

But, if we're going to make this work, we need some ground rules.

What? Okay, maybe we need some more rules. And some more. You want special dispensation? Okay, I don't play favorites, but here's some more rules and I'll think about it.

Shit. Maybe if I just destroy a city they'll get it. No? Go here, tell them this. No? Okay, how about a neighborhood? No? You, go there, tell them that. No? This person right here!

Sigh.

Okay, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Here's the thing, I created all of you and all of this. I love you. Can't we all just get along? Go down there and tell them that. Yeah, I know. They're dense. Try some stories. Okay, we're going to need a demonstration. And it's going to hurt to make the point. Well, I didn't say it would hurt them. Trust me it's worth it.

Go here and tell them this. Go there, tell them that.

Okay, one more time. I created all of this and all of you. I love you all. What makes you think any of this is bad?

Fine. Game over.