No doorways, no windows, no walls
No shelter here on the ground
No standing and no safe place to fall
Just the promise of this distant sound
Bells are ringing all over the world

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Same But Different

Still sick, still at work. Although with the help of fresh Nyquil (I think our old bottle was purchased in 2002) I had a decent night's sleep (almost uninterrupted, or as interrupted as usual) so I'm feeling a little better. My mucus is more viscous than yesterday, which is probably more information than what you wanted. Although, right now I seem to be overheating.

Also health related news, tomorrow night on PBS they are broadcasting Depression, Out From the Shadows. Also, there is a link from that site to a non-diagnostic prescreening test. I only started to look at it (I am at work after all), but for the first few questions I wasn't scoring well. And those are also the symptoms that I recognized I was falling into. Lately the big "D" has been winning. I chalk that up to increased stress, perceived duty and being sick. I have already made the decision to talk about medication when I go for my already scheduled appointment. I haven't made up my mind if I will take them, but I have made up my mind that I don't want to go years like this (as I have in the past). I also don't want it to be used as a maintenance drug for long term.

And now, at the moment of finish typing this, the fluorescent tube over my desk went dark. The dark humor part of my brain just loved that synchronicity .


Random Michelle K said...

Sorry you're feeling sick, and even sorrier you're not winning your battle with depression.

And for what it's worth, there's nothing wrong per se with needing maintenance medication. We don't see it was a weakness if someone with high blood pressure needs to take medication for the rest of their lives, nor should it be seen as a weakness if some of our brains need an anti-depressant equivalent of daily insulin.

Regardless, get some rest, try to relax, and feel better soon.

If nothing else, getting over your cold/flu/whatever may make you feel significantly better, and the physiological response to illness can be similar to that of depression in some cases.

Anonymous said...


I was just coming on to say exactly what Michelle said about maintenance drugs... she said it better than I would have. :)

Steve Buchheit said...

Michelle and Mer, I appreciate the advice. I guess I'm looking at it as I can be non-depressed without drugs (I guess I'm going from past experience) and that's the state I want to get back to. If it's "drugs for life" then I think I need something else than just the drugs (est, which I do have an unjust prejudice against, or talk therapy, which right now I don't have the time or money).

Watching the show last night helped with some of the classifications. The last long term depression was that long low grade depression they were talking about. Although lately this depression has been spiced with moments of intense agitation. Those times past quickly, my structures for dealing with it still hold. But listening to their discussion of bi-polar worried me as they said there is a second version of BP that has depressive-agitated states (instead of depressive-manic).

But I still have high hopes I can break out of this state. I do think I've progressed, but then I've slipped back. Sort of like my weight these past few months. I'm hoping that I can make it back to being "normal" and staying there without maintenance. Time will tell.

This month has been grueling. Hopefully with not planning anything for over this long weekend (I cancelled my plans for MarCon), I can catch up with rest, house work, and freelance. I think once I can get those behind me, that'll free up some emotional room.