I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
And so the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're goin' through

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Why Steve Can't Come Out and Play

Things have been very hectic lately. The day job, which is hectic, but not a lot of overtime lately. I work with a computer that is nearly a decade old so there are many times I get to watch the rainbow spiral waiting for applications to do things (I'm one of those people that use keyboard commands as much as possible). In the past I've used that time (and the time it takes for applications to load, files to load, fonts to load, etc) to read and comment on blogs. I'm now not supposed to do that. So my brain which is usually running at full steam goes to sleep while I wait. Errors are up. This isn't good for anybody.

Then there's the first night job. Let's just say things have been so crazy and stressful that my gums are receding. Yes, you haven't lived until your dentist takes one look in your mouth and says, "You really need to get a new job." Mine has. For two jobs. I haven't seen my dentist yet, but I can guess that he'll repeat this line (note, I really do like my dentist and my dental hygienist, I go half an hour out of my way to see you, take that as my vote of confidence). Using all my managerial skills just to get ahold of the situation. Next comes remedying issues brought up. I've been wondering if I just shouldn't walk away from it all (damn duty bone keeps me here) and spend time doing something more fruitful (like writing). And I don't think I'm spilling any beans here when I say that because of the economy, well, sucking eggs, our tax revenues are predicted to be down. A lot. Major cuts necessary kind of down. People upset because they're not getting the same level of service they expect down.

My stress level is so much that I can't focus on other things. I'm exhausted. I'm not able to plan out things. This past weekend I went to my writer's group and I felt guilty for spending that time in such an extravagant way on myself. And lately I've been noticing signs of depression. The big D depression. I'm tired all the time. Taking pleasure in normal fun things takes work. My snark knobs are turned to 11 (that 10 with the knob pulled out to get the vacuum-tube overdrive - just in case you're wondering, 4 is my normal). Food doesn't taste good. I'm stuffing with it anyway. Sleeping is troublesome. And this damn flu keeps hanging on.

There's an ice storm going on right now. I can hear ice falling off the house and branches coming down outside. The lights have dimmed twice so far. The drive home was fun. Tomorrow's commute will be hilarious.

And I haven't been getting the words out. Sure, random notes are now coming, and I've been writing some (yes, I know I should be writing them all) down. I finally put all the critique notes together for "Interview" (needs a new title), but some of those notes are "show the whole system fully through details" or "show his frogginess here."

I was supposed to be writing the novel this year. To get enough of it out that I could apply for Viable Paradise and have it finished by the end of October. And the words aren't there. The time and energy aren't there.

It's only because I'm procrastinating writing emails for the Village that I'm blogging.

7 comments:

David Klecha said...

Sounds really rough, bro.

I know the dayjob stress, I know the second job frustrations, and I really, really know how it can just drag the writing down, so I know a bit of where you're coming from. Here's hoping things get on the upswing.

Nathan said...

As I sit here reading this, Jenny McCarthy is on the Today Show and she just said, "Ooooh, you have really pretty toes". If I told you that, would it make you feel better? It should.

Honestly, though, I just have always had this unreasonable theory that everything will work out. (It comes in handy when I'm always waiting for someone to hire me out of the blue.)

It sounds stupid, but an optimistic attitude based on nothing whatsoever goes miles.

And as far as the stress goes?? Every once in a while, 'F'off is the only appropriate reaction. :D

Jim Wright said...

Drink, heavily :)

I'm kidding, of course. If you're noticing the signs of clinical depression, take action, now. See somebody before it becomes chronic.

Personally though, blogging and reading blogs helps me maintain an optimistic outlook and keeps me laughing. The trick, I think, is finding a balance.

Yeah, I know, easier said than done. Hang in there, Steve, things are bound to turn around. Like Nathan, I'm a firm believer in the fact that everything will eventually work out, because they always do.

Anonymous said...

This winter has just been too damn long. Hang in there. Spring's a-coming. Even the metaphorical kind.

Random Michelle K said...

I'm very sorry you're having a crappy time. But depression isn't inescapable.

As someone who is just escaping a two+ year long bout of depression, let me adamantly say See Someone Now.

Seriously.

If you don't want to see a happy doctor, see your regular doctor. If you've have issues with depression and taken meds in the past, the doc may be able to look at your history and prescribe from there.

No, drugs are not a cure-all, but if you have a history of depression, the meds can take the edge off to help you start to deal with things and dig yourself out of the hole you've gotten into. IN my experience, they don't make things better, they just get you to a place you can start to deal with things.

And even the price of the meds aren't bad. My local grocery store sells the generic form of my meds for $5 for a 30 day supply. (I know the price of meds can be a problem for some people.)

I felt guilty for spending that time in such an extravagant way on myself.

That's a sign right there that you aren't taking *enough* time for yourself. You don't have down time, time just for you, things aren't going to get better--at least not easily.

The other thing I'd advise is to stop worrying about what you aren't doing. I'd wanted to finish my novel this year, but discovered that I needed an extra hour of sleep more than I needed to write. (Lack of sleep exacerbates my depression.) Things *will* get better, and you will get back to it. But if you feel guilty about not writing? You're most likely going to make things worse for yourself.

So don't be down on yourself, and don't be selfish with your time for yourself. If you're like me, you're no good to anyone when you're depressed, so to help other people you have to get yourself straightened out first.

Take care, and if you need to gripe about depression, do it. I find that just letting other people know what I'm going through--just getting it off my chest--helps.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Poor buddy. It's kind of sucky over my way, too. I echo Michelle K, though. Poor sleep or sleeping all the time, eating too much or not enough, lack of interest in things you used to love (writing, for example...), irritability, trouble with memory or focus, decreased energy, decreased sex drive, isolating oneself, crying a lot or not being able to cry at all--these are depressive symptoms. Give it a good cogitative think.

My best wishes are with you. E-mail if you wanna. My meds are expensive but worth every penny.

Steve Buchheit said...

You guys are the best.

Dave, yeah, I hope the stress eases up RSN.

Nathan, yes, I would giggle and it would make me feel better. I'm normally more neutral in my attitude, but when I get this way, things just go down. My snarkiness and dark humor helps at this point. I also try the "forcing a smile" technique which really does help (that is, you smile even if you don't feel like it inside, eventually it does lift your spirits).

Jim, I would if I didn't have a father with a problem. Every time I pick up a drink I ask myself why. I have thought about therapy. Like I could schedule that in as well. :) I know the signs now (last time I didn't) which is why I can see this as the edge. And i don't intend to live through years like this (as I did before I knew what it was). So I talk with friends (in person and IM, thanks Dan and Karl), crack jokes, be a little silly with them. That helps lift my mood.

Michelle, yeah I know. In my former job I was in a depression for over three years. It was only near the end that I realized what was happening. I had the name of someone to see, and then I was fired from that job. Best thing ever. And now that I'm typing about it I can see some things that are mirroring that experience with the council job. Those problems will (hopefully) be solved soon.

When I was driving back from the writers group I had the guilty feeling that I should have been doing something else. That's when I recognized all the symptoms and realized it's been creeping up on me since the middle of last month. Now that I know I can stop the destructive behaviors (which is now easier said than done). But as Lucy says, "The mere fact you realize you need help means you're not too far gone." While seeing someone or taking meds are still a possibility (many people close to me have done both), at this point I'm sure I can skate out of it. Having been through it before, I can see the sign posts. And yeah, I'm not good to anybody, including myself, if I don't get out of it. So I don't want to be there for any length of time. Also, I didn't want to say too much, but then I realized that getting it out there is the first step back.

Greeny, yep, those are all the symptoms. Depression does express differently in men than in women, but all those things are universal. It was those differences that I learned about during a radio show when I was working at the old job. As the interviewee ticked off the symptoms for men I thought, "Got that. Yep, got that too." By the time that segment was over I realized just how long I had been in there. The other thing I get is uncontrolled anger flashes. That is I go from (what I think is) middle of the road, have something small happen and I'm seeing red and wanting to break things. Where as when I'm normal, I shrug it off.

A large part of this is the feeling that nothing is going right. That I'm trying management techniques to solve external problems, to think I've made progress, then only to find I'm two steps behind because of something else I didn't know/see/foresee. That leads to the feeling of being constantly behind the eight-ball. Then I start berating myself for not solving/doing/being whatever. That's the spiral, so now that I know where I'm at I can start breaking it.

Mer, yeah, I need that Spring soon. Not driving to work and then home when it's dark would help, I think.