Breaking the Cycle

Thanks for all your comments on my post where I admitted that I was facing the big "D" depression. You all had lots of good suggestions. I really do appreciate you taking the time to help me.

In the comments I did go through (with the help of Greeny) some of the symptoms. It's really important to know those. It's important to recognize them in yourself and in others. This isn't my first wresting match with Big "D" (and I know it won't be the last) both for myself and with others. Knowing the signs just helps everybody. Although, confronting someone with "Say, I noticed you're depressed," isn't the way to help. If they know their depressed, it'll just tell them that they aren't handling it well. If they don't know they're depressed (and that's one of aspects of this disease) they'll immediately turn your off.

Big "D" depression is different that little "d" depression. One difference is that little "d" can get going by bad news, a few knocks to the psyche, general malaise of life. Big "D" can include and magnify the effects of those, but it isn't caused by them (although it can be triggered by them, which causes confusion). Little "d" has a few layers or depths (bummed to completely bummed out so to speak). Big "D" can include those, but then start digging with a backhoe because Big "D" can go so much deeper and wider. Big "D" is like getting the flu. You can avoid it if you know about it, take precautions, but eventually, if you're susceptible, you'll get at least a sniffle. Once you get the flu it can get very bad, it can grow and become something else much worse, or you can take care and get through it quicker (although in each case, you've got the flu). Also, just like the flu, Big "D" makes you feel bad all over and it affects everything in your life. There can be seasons (triggers) that bring about the flu, but then it can also sneak up on you and strike at any time (as anybody who has had a flu in the summer can attest to). The difference between flu and Big "D" is that Big "D" can stick around for years.

Big "D" and little "d" feel very different. If you look at a chart of the Dow Jones Industrials for the past two months, the spikes up and down are little "d"s and little "m"s (manias, or happiness), the overall downward trend (the uberdata) is the Big "D."

One of my symptoms is "self-destructive behavior," in fact, it's this behavior that let me know I was in the cycle. For me this comes out in feelings of "I just can't do anything right." When I ask myself, "Why didn't this work," or, "why can't I figure this out," the voice that replies doesn't give me examples or diagnostic criticism ("plan failed here and here" or "you don't really know how this (specific thing) works" or "you forgot to include this datum that you know have"). Instead it just replies, "Because you're an idiot," or something to that point. This is the gremlin.

Then there are the actions, like stress eating (aka, stuffing). When you've worked through this there is some part of you that says, "don't do this, you know better than to behave this way/do this thing." And then you do it anyway. Self destruction, that the perfect way to say it. You're not ignoring that voice of reason, you're intentionally going against it. Unless you've done this before, the part of you that is arguing against the action gets weaker and weaker until you can't hear it anymore.

I once had a psychotic episode because I was taking Vicodin (it's a side effect, one which is more common than I think the company lets on considering how many people I've talked to who have had this problem). Part of me knew I was behaving irrationally, was having thoughts and beliefs that just didn't make sense. When in the full grip of it, I believed the stucco ceiling was trying to form words to tell me something. "They" were waiting just behind my eyes waiting for me to close them to go to sleep. All the while there was another voice screaming that this wasn't normal and I needed help. I even was good enough to say out loud to people, "I'm not acting rationally, sorry." Fortunately, that day I (well, my wife) convinced the doctor to switch me to a less powerful painkiller. Those effects went away after a day.

Also, one of the things that can throw outside viewer, with Big "D" you can be happy, laugh and smile. But just like when you're happy and a little "d" trigger comes along, that happiness doesn't linger or go very deep. You can even be optimistic about things when you're in the grips of it. With Big "D" you don't just "get over/passed" it, look on the bright side, or focus on something else. Those things don't work because those things aren't what the disease is about, those are minor symptoms.

For me, this one isn't too deep. I caught it early enough (although looking back, I've been here longer than I realized at first). I can pull back out of it with the skills I've learned before, and I have the skills to know if that's not working and I need more help. Once I break the self destructive behavior and thoughts, I'm on my way back out. I've been able to do that mostly (although not all the time), which is an indicator of where I'm at in this cycle. Also, I'm forcing myself to do things that I like. You know what I mean if you've been here. Each time gets easier. Last night, after a slight chiding from my wife, I did reverse myself and ordered tickets to a comedy concert (Jeff Dunham), which I had decided not to do. It wasn't the chiding that did it, it was the chiding that reminded me I had to break the cycle.