And they come with no warning,
nature loves her little surprises.
Continual crisis!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Maxed out

Here at Context and I've hit the wall early on Saturday night. I want to be anti-social for a few hours at least. Exhausted to the point of not even being able to join in with a party, which I used to be able to easily. Small talked out. I want to be someplace quite with me and the voices in my head. Hell, free alcohol at the party, and I can't gear myself up for that.

I usually don't feel this way until Sunday morning. But all day today I've been forcing myself. And not doing a good job. I get a few sentences into a conversation and then I go silent. I'm sure it's exhaustion, and I'm not able to tap into the energy of others, but instead being around others is draining me faster. Again, that's not the normal way of things.

There are times I keep feel I'm screwing up, and I'm sure I am. I'm not able to jump in or be entertaining. Heck, I've had moments where I should have said, "Why, yes, I do have a novel past the first draft," and my brain shuts down. Instead I feel like a poser. Sure, I have work out there, and stuff in submission, and novel in various states of revision.

What I need is a weekend to myself. And because I came with a friend, I really can't have a moment to recharge all by myself. Maybe that was my mistake this time. I was no where near as rested as I should have been and I left myself no time to decompress and recharge. It's a dark wind again. I do not want.

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