The Lamentable State of the Business Today

Or why I'm doing the reboot.

Why the design market sucks. here's one example from Monster. Looking for a Graphic Designer/Assistant Manager to handle co-managing a team plus be responsible for 100+ "multiple page" publications within 4 months (4x4x5=80 days, which means 1+ large publications per day). Plus communications with their 100+ customer base. And what are they willing to pay? $13-15 an hour (or $27,040 to $31200 a year). "Company confidential"? Why, so we won't egg your place? Dear company confidential, same you pal, and the horses you rode in on. Seriously? The sad part is they're probably swamped with resumes. More fodder for the reboot.

I guess it could be worse. You could be applying for "This position is your opportunity to join a respected organization that is redefining media advertising in Northeast Ohio by offering an extensive portfolio of digital and print media solutions." :: rolls-eyes :: The small print, "Northeast Ohio Media Group is a new, digitally focused company…" So, a brand new company that's respected and redefining advertising. That's some shit slinging right there. Oh yea, the title is "Part-time", but the description is "full-time". That's redefining all right.

Last but not least is this designer position who is basically responsible for everything. I mean everything. Writing, layout, proof-reading, and all their social media out reach (that's 3 full-time jobs right there). Plus, "Possess strong graphic design skills." Oh yea, there's also the "Demonstrate strong computer skills including proficiency in Microsoft Office Applications…" (meaning they want you to design print ads using Powerpoint). And what education do they want? "Associates or Bachelor’s degree from an accredited college or university preferably in English, Marketing, or Business Administration." Uh, yea, Bob.

Watching the Ten Commandments

So, Saturday night the broadcast system rolled out it's hoary staple of Easter to flog that horse again. Of course I'm talking about "The Ten Commandments", the gem in Cecil B. Demille's Bible Epic phase. Unfortunately for the broadcaster and my wife, I had spent the day slaving in the snark mines and had an overfull bucket of the stuff. So here is my twitter feed from that night, without context. There was a big portion in the middle of the film that I had to study for a test coming up this Wednesday, so there's a big hole in the middle. Sorry about that.

How much has conservatism changed? Nobody asked Moses for his birth certificate.

Moses had it good, until displayed compassion. They labeled him EINO (EgyptionInNameOnly) & cast him into the desert

Oh sure, there was a whisper campaign that nearly brought him down. He had to prove devotion by conspicuous actions.

And now playing the role of Shadout Mapes, Memnet.

Wow, Moses was the secret Kenyan Socialist sleeper candidate. Now I expect they will ask for the birth certificate.

And so begins the attempted coverup.

Wow, Moses saved his own mother from crushing before he knew who she was. It's like a BC time travel paradox.

And now Moses recognizes his own white-male privilege, and goes native. But first tries to up the status of slaves.

And having realized her son is the Kwisatz Haderach, Jochebed fails to change the water of life and dies.

Or, at least, that's how it would have been written today.

"… down into the never ending valley of toil and agony…" Moses has his college experience, finally.

Only chance to leave the drudgery & death in the mud pits is to be selected by 1 of the 1% because they want a toy.

Although Vincent Price did his best Newt Gingrich impression, and paid the price.

And now Ramseys employes the first opposition research council chairman.

Cecil could only have been less subtle had he put a giant sign, "God Answers Prayers and Fulfills Prophecies".

Moses does Jacob Marley with Seti, "You do not know the weight & length of the strong chain you bear yourself! "

And here is where I went to study, and came back in right at the Exodus out of Egypt.

Is this the point where we get the chariot race from Ben Hur?

And nobody notices the ominous clouds building in the clear blue sky. Not very observant these people.

Parting the Red Sea, suck on that EG Robinson.

And now a scene which inspired countless aquariums.

Lets pick up the pace, bearers of Joshua's bones. Increase the tempo.

General Akbar calling pharaoh, "It's a trap!"

Neffertiti, "So, how was the day at the office?"

So when all hope is lost in the desert, and the leader goes on holiday, it's obviously time to party.

And so Aaron made the Bull statue that's now on Wall Street.

40 days and 40 nights on the mountain, only to bring back 10 commandments, God is a slow writer, or a committee.

"The tablets? His 10 Commandments… the addendums would follow later, they're still at the printers."

And now God does his Indiana Jones on the island act.

Wait, I thought you would only get Heston's staff when you pried it from his cold dead hands… oh wait.

Now after 40 years, Moses unveils the addendum with it's couple thousand laws. That's a slow printer.

Now the Hebrews enjoy their freedom by crossing the river Jordan. Until Babylon comes along and enslaves them again.

Good evening

From: Jesus Saves inchristalive@gmail.com
To: me
Date: May 19, 2011 6:05:25 PM

Gods wrath is coming...
By coming, I'm assuming here that you've missed most of the Old Testament and the various "God killed thousands of innocents because he's upset people are having butt-sex" proclamations. And, speaking of sex, I'll just go with the assumption that you chose the right homophone here.

There are hundreds of earthquakes daily, asteroids coming toward earth, volcanos going off almost weekly, birds falling out of the sky and animals dying in masses worldwide, He is coming, be ready.
And this would make this Saturday any different from any other random Thursday for the, well most of written history. Sigh. Okay, the world's an active place, that's why we have earthquakes and volcanos going off all the time. Birds often fall out of the sky. Especially with the pollutants we put up there. Not to mention the various viruses that do it as well. Same with animals. If these are signs of his approach, he's been warming up for an awfully long time.

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
Yeah. I've heard that crap before. Do you have any other motivational posters on your wall. How about the one with the kitty hanging from the branch with the "Hang in there" tag? I love that one.

Accept Jesus as your Savior.
I was going to go with this guy I met last weekend. He was really cool. You know, the like him instantly, never mind the burning rubber smell, kind of guy. He seemed to have some really interesting insights into how we're all controlled by this mothership that's in orbit. Or behind the moon. Maybe it was on one of those asteroids you talked about. But you've convinced me otherwise with the whole "You're about to get smited" talk. That's a cool gig for someone that sells themselves as love incarnate. With that kinda love, who needs anemones.

Now You've Done It

Came home after a long day to find my scores for the NET/HOBET test had arrived. The new phone books are here, the new phone books are here!

And I'm pissed.

Very pissed.

See, I bought the test prep book and worked through the book. I even found two errors on the math section (one answer wasn't available, the other answer they though was correct was wrong). There were other issues with the reading section, but that's more subjective. Basically, I found that if I shaved about 30 points off my IQ I'd select the correct answer. Good test prep. Also, sent ERI an email explaining what they got wrong and were and that after spending $30+ for the test prep book (small book, cheaply produced), I was quite upset to find those errors.

Haven't heard back from them.

So I took the test, fairly confident that I would score above the 50% for Nursing and the 63% for Radiologic Tech. A brief side-note here, the Nursing program requires the NET test, Radiologic Tech the HOBET. They're the same damn test. Exactly the same test. Never did get a call back from the schools about it (the test is $40, I damn cheap, I want it to work for both). When I went to the test I worked with the proctor to mark the test accordingly to get the scores back for both schools.

And took the test.

There's a math, reading, writing, and basic science section that the majority of your score is based on. Plus, as a bonus, there's a Stress Level Profile section, a Learning Style Profile section, and a Test Taking Skills section. These last three, IMHO, are complete and utter bullshit. The very last one especially. We'll get back to that.

Now I have my scores. How did I do? Pretty well. On the Math Section I have a 100% (also, obviously, a 100% on all the sub-subjects). We'll also get back to that in a sec. Science Reading Comprehension, I scored a 286 words per minute, which was an 85%, but a 76th percentile at an "Independent Level." Okay, I'm not the world's fastest reader. Fair cop, already knew that. My individual scores (the actual part of the test) were Inferential Reading 86%, Main Idea of Passage 93% (this is the section I had problems with on the pretest, and where I knew I had to shave points off my intelligence to get the answer they were looking for, I guess my strategy worked), and Predicting of (sic) Outcomes at 73%. Okay, first WTF moment. But, okay, highly subjective, still good scores. Written Expression Score was 96% (I got two questions wrong here, one in "Recognizing Correct Sentence Structure", my guess it was the used of the colon or semi-colon as that is changing but they may not have gotten the memo, and the other in Spelling Demons, fair cop, I'm not the best speller, have you noticed?). Basic Science score (of which there were questions I had never been exposed to the material before) 80% (2 wrong on Biology, 1 wrong on Cellular Biology).

Then we're into the stress scores which I won't bore you with, basically I'm stressed about Money/Time first (70%), and Family next (at 50%). Everything else was 40%. I'm stressed. Have you noticed?

Next was the Learning Profiles which told me that I'm primarily a visual and solitary learner. Quel suprise. Also high score on Oral Dependent. But lowest index was at 50%.

Now was the test taking skills. Most. Bogus. Questions. Evar. Seriously. The ones that stand out in memory were along the lines of "If a T/F question is long/short/definitive/specific is it most likely a) True, b) False, c) indeterminate" and the one question I love (after two other questions like it), "On multiple choice questions, most often the correct answer is a) A, b) B, c) C, d) D." Seriously. That was the question. So, my score? I was at 37%, which is the "Instructional Level." Lower than even my Stress Scores.

To ERI, I fart in your general direction.

Why? My overall score was 93% which put me in the 99th percentile. Could I have knocked you over with a feather? Actually I think that's low, but I've always scored in that percentile (even for my Officer Candidacy Test - guess why the military really, really, really wanted me so badly). My ERI standard score was 941 (I haven't found a chart to let me know just what that means, yet, must be one of those internal metrics which really doesn't mean anything outside of the company that made the test, which, if you were paying attention, was ERI). So, I don't have good test taking skills, but I aced your damn test? Me thinks something is wrong here.

But wait, it gets better. On the back of the test sheet is the infamous "Needed Areas of Remediation" - which, you know, I only scored 6 out of 7 for the Correct Sentence Structure, but I think you want to say, "Areas of Suggested Remediation," but that's just me. (Yes, I'm being snarky, you'll understand why in a few sentences).

Guess what areas they think I need remediation on? Can you guess? Did you guess, "Essential Math Skills"? Because that's the only thing they say I need remediation on.

Essential Math Skills.

You know, the part of the test I scored 100%, which I'm thinking also puts me in the 99th Percentile (although they don't have a percentile ranking for this individually, just over all and the Science Reading Comprehension). And yes, higher is better (I thought of that) on these scores.

Essential Math Skills? I just aced your god-damned test. I passed Calc 2/Integral Calculus (okay, F first time - I was a screwup back then - but then an A for the summer retake, got an A in Calc 1 and scored an extra 3 bypass credits for Precalc - because I got an A in Calc 1) and was in Calc 3/Vector Calculus when I switched majors. I do math in my head to calm down (don't believe me, Dan and I went over some statistics today), and your testing program thinks I need a little remedial help with that?

Dear ERI, I'm saluting you, but with only 20% of my manus digits, or, if you like, the median one. I'll let your math wizards, the ones who got two questions wrong in the prep book, tell you what that means. Oh, and the horse you rode in on, too.

Go and kill the yellow man

All these whackaloons who are calling for, "can we just start profiling now" are your basic, "Why can't we just be racist like we used to be," types. No. Shut up. They are.

Why? What does a Muslim look like? No, I'm serious. Do you think they get it tattooed on their foreheads? I've known followers of Islam who were more bunt-cake, flour-white, suburban kids than Bill O'Reilly (which, since we're profiling here, put down the whiskey, Bill, get back to work, don't give the Irish a bad name, again, and disavow your IRA ties now, before we come for you). Are we going to make them wear yellow crescent-moons sewn into their garments so we can tell them apart from the other God-fearin' 'Mericans (50 extra bonus points if you get the Godwin reference here)? Are we going to profile "araby types" because that would have missed Umar Abdulmutallab who is a black Nigerian (a little too swarthy if you get my meaning). It also would have missed Richard Reed, the other "I've got a bomb in my clothes for you, baby" guy. Are we going to get sly TSA officials to ask the questions when you go through port control like the bridge guardian in Monty Python's Holy Grail.

"Those who wish to cross the TSA line of demarcation must answer me these questions three, 'ere the boarding area they see. What is your name?"

"Umar Abdulmutallab."

"What is your quest?"

"To destroy the imperial west."

"Are you a radical muslim?"

"No. I mean, yes. ARGH!"

Really. If it's not racism, I can't figure out what it would be. Because the only other answer is that these people, who hold positions of some prominence, are clinically brain dead.

Think profiling will stop the terrorists? Nope. John Walker Lindh. Remember him? The American Taliban. Probably as white-bread as you can get. Timothy McVeigh? The other white meat. As Wednesday said in the movie The Adams Family when asked what her costume was supposed to be, "I'm a serial killer, we look just like everybody else."

Now, there are some ways, but they're not fool-proof. If you're highly trained enough you might be able to spot some tell-tales. I usually can spot someone who has been in the military from the way they walk (well, that and their clothes, etc). I can even make a reasonable guess at the branch and relative rank. But here's the thing, since I know what I'm looking for, in my own case, I intentionally break all those tell-tales. No b-line on me buddy boy. No precision in step. Nothing to really give me away. And that's the problem. You can train against that kind of screening.

Back-scatter x-rays? There's these things called body cavities. You can hide some interesting things in them (ask your local prison inmate or drug mule). Poof machines? Worked well in the lab, but strangely enough when in the real world with real conditions such as air movement from HVAC systems and the perfumes and other things normal people wear, not so well. Maybe if they pray at the airport with prayer rugs? Hey, remember the 9-11 report that talked about the guys being instructed to go to strip-clubs to throw off suspicion? And if all that remains is pulling people over for having scraggly beards, whell, there's a Gillete razor for that.

Nothing is fool proof. As we used to say, we have to be lucky 100% of the time, the terrorists only have to be lucky once. Terrorists, they're the new Red Scare Communists. Get 'em while they're hot.

Stare into the snark long enough, eventually the snark stares back

Since President Obama's speech this week there's been plenty of conservative bloviating. Here's my take on the two oft repeated criticisms. (I posted some of these comments over on Jim's Stonekettle Station)

On not giving McCrystal 40,000 US troops, although it looks like the total of US and NATO troops will be close
"You should always listen to the generals and give them everything they want."

General John Shalikashvili, anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

On his setting 18 months as to when we would start pulling out troops
"You should never set a time limit on military engagements."

Feb. 7, 2003, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, to U.S. troops in Aviano, Italy: "It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months." (USA Today, http://www.usatoday.com/educate/war28-article.htm)

On the "dithering"
"He waited too long to make a decision"

1) I like that he didn't knee jerk a decision and demanded a more realized plan and better answers, 2) Afghanistan is about to be locked down by bad weather. Even if we took our time now, all the first troops we could have positioned will be in place by the time the mountains open back up, and 3) I like that he thought about it before spending more of our blood and treasure. the previous administration would have done better if they had also done so.

The trouble with tribbles

So, there's a whole bunch of hullabaloo about the stolen emails from East Anglia University. And it's be portrayed as the "see, we were right, all this data is bogus, the models aren't to be trusted, and global warming is a hoax" smoking gun.

Right.

So now all those glaciers we've been hiding can come back (which is good, I need the closet space). We don't have to keep taking heat guns to the Arctic Ice Sheet to keep it in retreat (man, that'll be good because it's damn cold up there and there's polar bears everywhere). We don't need to worry about a shelf of ice that might slough off Greenland and disrupt the salinity of the Atlantic Ocean which might disturb the Gulf Stream (but hey, new real estate opportunities in Greenland!). We can stop dynamiting the Ross Ice-shelf to calve the huge icebergs ('cause, you know, dynamite is dangerous). And we can stop running radiant heating throughout the permafrost to melt it all and release the loverly methane that was trapped in the soil (because, you know, radiant heating is damn expensive, and if you puncture one of those pipes with a staple, it'll ruin your whole day). All those South Pacific Island Nation whiners can just STFU about their islands disappearing into the sea (and shut down those bilge pumps that keep upping the local sea levels where they have to move villages farther inland). And we can stop injecting CO2 into the oceans making them more acidic (and that's good, because that was also damn expensive and the pumps were real noisy at night).

And look, temperatures have cooled the past three years. Hurrah! It's all over! Heck, this might be a trend that leads us to a new ice age. You know, like Newsweek reported back in 75. Because it looked like that back then when you only look at 5 years of data and something like four sample points (can't find the original article, which I once had).

And it's so good to hear that we don't think scientists should be concerned about money and grant funding (you know, like people have been warning about for three decades now). I'm sure research scientists would also agree that the whole "publish or perish" model of research and university tenure is just hokum that should be dumped in the waste bin. They also shouldn't worry about the fact that the media and general public often get things wrong and have the attention span of gnats on coke (the Columbian kind, not the Atlanta kind). And when we throw barbs at them, they should be all noble in their white citadels and not worry about it. Plus I'm sure all those computer scientists who right custom code will be overjoyed at the knowledge that they only have to program it correctly, cleanly, and with great accuracy on the first attempt. And if they don't, by all means they should start over from scratch (think of the billable hours!). Oh, and hey, with all the money we'll save from funding this bogus research, we can research the important things like proving this Darwin guy was wrong and covering up all the data he found to prove God exists and the Earth is only 6000 years old.

Oh, and scientists should always keep every piece of data they ever collected just in case someone without credentials would want to examine it. Because nobody would ever throw out raw data or camera footage. You know, like how we store all that NASA data on our moon landings (probably the greatest human achievement ever).

Good to know all that. And glad we don't need to do anything about dumping all those gases into our atmosphere at the rate of a few tons per second. Cause a little acid rain never hurt anybody. After all, man can't affect the world. Like causing extinctions, the aforementioned acid rain, speed up the rotation of the Earth by damning the rivers and holding more water at higher latitudes, over fish ocean areas until they become deserts underwater, reduce to deserts what were once the lush cradles of civilization, expand the Sahara and Mongolian Deserts, light up the night side of earth to be seen in orbit, fill a wide swath of the pacific north of Hawaii with enough junk to make it a hazard to shipping (and wildlife), deplete the ozone layer, cover SE Asia in smoke so thick to be a breathing hazard from burning forests to make arable land, or dump enough pollution in rivers that they could actually catch fire. Nah, the Earth is simply too big for all of us humans, which, BTW, are now so numerous that the current living ones outnumber all who have died in recorded history, to have any effect on it.

Ah. I can sleep well now. And tomorrow I can go out and see the forest that stretches from the Atlantic Ocean to the Mississippi River so thickly that a squirrel could travel the whole distance and never touch the ground. Because I live in the middle of that place.

Today's Humor in the Mail

My employer sometimes sends helpful healthcare information to my home. We belong to an insurance pool, and the thing about the pool is that you have to have a Health Program (or Health Fairs) to obtain the discounts. So, basically, you don't provide any health information to your employer (which can be illegal and opens them to discrimination suits) or to your insurer (which they're blocked by health privacy laws from getting, but then they all have to take your history so they can define your premium, yeah, it's kinda strange), but to the third-party who then determines your risk and possibility of bringing the group down. Also the group can suggest health "improvements" that if your employer or insurer tried would be grounds for a suit.

Well the theme of this mail was "Tips to Reduce Stress." Laugh. Riot.

There was a flyer from the Mayo Clinic included called Time Management: Tips to Reduce Stress.

Cry havok! And let slip the snark.

Tips:

• Plan each day. My day I do plan. And then I am deluged by Rush, Hot Rush, Super Hot Rush and EMERGENCY work. All of which have nothing to do with my planning but the client's lack of planning or a sales person's promise.


• Prioritize your tasks.See above. My priorities are set by three levels of bosses, 8 sales people and 5 CSRs. Any of of which could walk into my cubicle and try to impose their priorities on me.


• Say no to nonessential tasks. Yeah, right. I'm sorry, has the author of this list worked in the Modern Workplace? Say, since the early 90s?


• Take the time you need to do a quality job. We have a saying, "There will always be time to do it right the second time around."


• Break large, time-consuming tasks into smaller tasks. Again, we joked today when a part of a job was labeled "Rush" that obviously they didn't need it so fast because it was just a "Rush."


• Practice the 10-minute rule. You're not listening to me, are you? Okay, today I had to typeset a book, make edits to business cards (four different sets), insert a photo into a brochure, answer emails, correct some database entries, etc. My jobs are broken up into 10 minute spots because I can't concentrate on one job long enough.


• Evaluate how you're spending your time. I have time for that?


• Limit distractions. Let's see, no door, people who have to use the phone for their work, any on of the 14 above mentioned people could pop-over at any time, yeah, how do you do that?


• Get plenty of sleep, have a healthy diet and exercise regularly. Hahahahaha.


• Take a time management course. I have time to take a course? When?


• Take a break when needed. Again, the author of this list never had a real job in their life. I get to take a break when I go to the bathroom. Now I do have a half hour lunch, but I have to take that between noon and one.

It must be nice to have the advisor's job.

Your Freudian Slip Is Showing - The Annals of Unintended Humor

You know I am a real proponent of new energy and specifically use-point-generation (which means power is generated or captured at the point where it is used) (sorry Matt). But really, any power generation that uses renewable sources (biomass, generated gas, etc) or ambient sources (solar, wind) really gets me going.

Now, only slightly switching topics, I'm sure some consider me an ideologue from some issues because I do take a tough stand on some things which they might consider "political." However if I do have a position on some issue that somebody might find it difficult to knock me off of my point, it's usually because I have thought it through and previously considered their position and found it to be left wanting. Then, at that point, I try to enlightened them to what I've already run through. Only if I know them. If I don't know them I have the option of making fun of their position while trying to keep others from falling into the same mental trap. That's the life of the trickster.

But to show I'm an equal opportunity offender, and a critic of my own "field of expertise" (just like John Hodgman) I offer up this piece of unintended humor. (recent web ad)

Well, at least their only asking us to roll over. Unlike the other energy industries which have been bending us over.

It's that time of year

Open Letter to Those Who Share the Road With the Rest of Us,

Now that the snow has arrived, along with the ice, and the joy of scraping said ice from our cars is upon us, I'd like to remind you all to remove snow and ice from your roofs. Not only will this help your gas mileage at this time of economic belt tightening, it will also remove the chance that an ice sheet will go winging from your vehicle and cause those traveling behind you to swerve out of the way to avoid damage to their cars.

See, when this happens, the person driving the vehicle behind you will then spout not only a string of profanity that, had your car been in the lane beside them instead of in front of them, would have pealed the paint right off the passenger side door, at the same time, while cursing the blue streak, this same driver is willing with all their might that a Elk Bull would appear suddenly in front of your vehicle.

This situation is highly toxic to the karma of all those involved. I hope you understand that nothing personal is meant by this. And I also hope you'll agree that it is to the the benefit of all those involved that next time you will clean off your stinking roof.

Thank you.

Accidental Incidental Poetry

As I told Camille, in some comment thread, there is poetry. Oh yes, there is always poetry.

All around hoopy frood Mer Haskell let loose with some writing podcasts today (and then talks about how she has another story published, down at the bottom of the entry, oh, to be so easy about it - you should go tell her how wonderful it is). While subscribing to the podcast she lists, iTunes offers other suggestions which look okay. So one is a general "literary" writing post where the last episode (which downloaded automatically) had people who won in a contest reading their stories. And that's when the poetry leaks out of my ears.

See the story drip with forced meaning and portent
Revel in the narcissistic nihilism
The all too earnest need to be liked and fondled
Sweat of youthful naivety
Runs down their unscarred back and minds
Fearing the whip of rejection will lash soon

I am the critic in the gingerbread house
With windows of clear sugar
Listening to the nibble, nibble, gnaw
Of keyboard keys and laser printers
My oven has been witch-proofed
To keep young mice from tossing me in

Who (corrected to whom) is that I hear
Nibble, nibble, gnawing on my roof
Come closer my dear
It has been so long since I've torn
Doughy flesh from cracker bones.

So there it is, draft zero of the poem. And how I felt at the end of the podcast. I will download at least another episode and see if I have the same reaction. I'll repeat, this was a different podcast from the ones that Mer recommends. The ones she does link to, I've listened to two episodes and they're very good.

If It's On TV, It Must Be True

So, nothing is really on TV. We spent most of the day at the Cleveland Museum of Art looking at the the amory of the last days of the Holy Roman Empire. It was a really excellent show. It focused a little too much on the armor side (I like the sharp pointy things myself). The armor was fabulous, and in the last gallery they had formations of armor with pikes. "Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee" is you know what I mean. We also had friends along which made it fun, it's good to catch up with friends while seeing new things.

We took our time coming back home, so there wasn't all that time to do anything productive, so we ended up the evening watching TV. Of which there is nothing on anyway (why I'm blogging and surfing).

That's when we chanced upon the SciFi Channel's "The Mystery of the Crystal Skulls."

What a piece of crap. It's so bad you have to watch to see what other incredibly, outrageously stupid they're going to say next. It's the same entertainment value you can get from crazy street people (as in the ones who talk to the air and wear two heavy winter coats in the middle of summer and actually have a tin-foil hat), but without the possibility of having a shiv pulled on you. I'm sure SciFi has a website for this, but I don't want to pollute your minds with it.

What's worse is this is being presented as an actual documentary. For that, the producers have no shame and should be horsewhipped. Yes, I know it's all a part of the media ramp-up to the latest Indiana Jones movie, "The Geritol Years." But seriously. "Face on Mars" being brought up? Haven't we debunked that enough.

This "documentary" leads off with the great non sequitur from the genuine nutjob "expert" saying that the skulls are made of the same thing out high tech computer chips are made of. "Just think of how much information could be stored there?" he asks rhetorically. Because, you know, they're alien artifacts (insert standard, "once humans are evolved enough we'll be given the keys to the knowledge inside" - yeah, everybody has one of those). Except for the fact that silicon is used as insulator, not actual memory storage. Bizzzt. Thanks for playing, but no parting gifts.

And then completely forget that they're mixing Mayan and Aztec mythologies in their "ancient history is all mysterious" brand cuisinart. Oh, and Bette wants me to make sure I mentioned that they squeezed in Atlantis.

But wait, there's more. If you watch now you get the gratuitous Native Spiritual Guides who hold all the secrets (living like his ancient Mayan ancestors in a hut in the jungle with mud floors and with the repurposed Pepsi machine made into a fridge.

Really, truly, terribly bad. It makes Ghost Hunters look positively intellectual.

Edit 10:47pm Okay, Edgar Cayce showed up around 1:26 into the show, and now the main "expedition" (no, really, "idiots running around with cameras following them" is more the case) just entered "the cave" which is guarded (you know, like dragons guard treasure) by a "giant tarantula." OMG. When the horror/slasher movies "based on a real story" look more non-fiction than a supposed "documentary," something is very, very wrong. heck, the trailers to the new Hulk movie look more non-fictional.

Edit 11:06pm Saved by the Family Guy take on Star War on Adult Swim. It's the rescue scene. Love the elevator music. Ah, sanity.

Scientist Report Slight Earth Orbital Anomaly!

World scientists are very concerned over new evidence that the Earth has developed an anomaly in it's orbit. Planetologists are agreed that this slight wobble is being created by the giant gyroscope effect from all the spin the Bush Administration is doing to paint the NIE (National Intelligence Estimate) that says Iran abandoned their nuclear weapon programs back in 2003 as Good News(tm) and a justification for their past actions and for justifying continued belligerence against Iran.

"If this keeps up," says Fran Helprot, Doctor of World Spinning, Geneva University, "the Earth may soon leave it's standard orbital track and begin circling the Sun in a mobious type track."

More as it comes in.

That you may see the meaning of within

To all air travellors, the TSA wants you to have a wonderful holiday and know that you're totally screwed if you want to fly this weekend.

Okay, well, they didn't use those words exactly. Instead their saying that "if you know the rules, and obey them, you'll get through faster." Yes, know the rules. Stay in line. Do not touch the barbed-wire. Achtung, allies lookenpeepers, take off your shoes, your coat, turn off your mind, relax and float down stream. It's not dying. Lay down all thought, surrender to the void. It is shining.

And in other travel news, all that union busting back in the 80s is about to bust the FAA Air Traffic Controllers. Talk about your chickens coming home to roost. Good thing the Pres wants to go to that new control system that needs fewer traffic controllers. Because obviously having a lower rate of pay for incoming people is doing wonders for the recruitment plans. Strange that. Gee, a high stress job that requires a high amount of training, and then they cut pay, cut benefits, cut breaks, cut backs, here a cut, there a cut, everywhere a cut, cut, and Old Farmer Reagan's Air Traffic Control Towers seem to be a little vacant these days.

But listen to the color of your dreams. It is not living. Or play the game, existence to the end of the beginning.

God to Left Behind Authors, "Nertz to You, Pal-ies."

So, for my book I tried to listen to "Left Behind" (co-written by an second-rate evangelist and a disguarded political operative, they've said worse about other people, live by the sword, die by the sword) to just get the drift of what the crazy was about. I didn't make it much past Chapter 1, which is the scene on the airplane. Between the airplane's captain looking in a mirror and admiring his well-shaped body that all the stewardesses (and most of the females he's ever met) wanted (and that he's enjoyed), the cardboard stock characterization, the poor dialog.. (did I mention how I didn't make it past the first chapter, yeah, there's reasons for that) there was a reporter returning from Israel with the good news about how God had saved Israel from the evil Russians by sending a meteor storm to knock down bombers, fighters, tanks, and nuclear weapons (never mind that isn't how you fight a nuclear war). He obviously was on the plane all a jiggle to bring the news back to the US about this miracle because apparently in the late 80s (when this book was written) he was the only witness to some striking devastation and nobody had film cameras and photo transfers (like AP Wire Photos), international phone calls, diplomatic channels, satellite communications, telex or short wave radios. We were basically back to taking a high-tech wheeled-cart from village to village crying out the news. No, seriously. Did I mention how I couldn't get past the first chapter?

So, when I heard this news about how a hail storm had set off some Israeli Cluster Munitions left over from the ill-fated recent invasion into Lebanon, I just started laughing. Yes, God has spoken, and he destroyed the Israeli munitions, not the munitions of those that have attacked Israel. Note to authors (and most others), God hates war.

So imagine me looking at those aforementioned authors (who in my book will be giving Post-Rapture Tours of Holy Sites until a 5 year-old exposes their charlatanism), pointing and making a Simpson's Nelson Mutz "Ha ha."

Things That Make Me Smile

Via Rick Klaw filling in for Jeff VanderMeer, the Onion has and article titled Third-Person Limited Omniscient Narrator Blown Away By Surprise Ending.

Hi-larious.