Lucy at Andromeda Spaceways writes to tell me they've passed on "Scrimshaw Man." The letter seemed generic, so I'm going with it being a form rejection.
Alas and alack I haven't the knack.
Or something like that.
I think the main problem is still the second stanza (there's only two, so that's 50 percent). I have description but not a lot of action and that's something that I think may need to change. The last line (which Goblin Fruit specifically pointed out) probably still jars the ear. It's sort of like a baseball bat. I think I can change the second stanza to switch the point of view (not the POV character, but where his attention is) to an action stance. It'll be a complete rewrite, but I have two lines already (and have already rewritten them to use stronger language).
Here's an example of the first line:
"Give me the nickel and enter the tent"
to
"Surrender your coin and step inside"
(and I'm thinking about those last two words, "pass the bar," "take the pike," "roll the turnstile" although "step inside" works best with the next line as it adds possible meanings, and relinquish also works instead of surrender, but I like the connotations of "surrender").
So at the earliest opportunity I'll need to revisit it, and then I'll need to find another market. The New Year is off and running.
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