And they come with no warning,
nature loves her little surprises.
Continual crisis!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Laughing Coyote Guide to GOP Debates

Okay, for you all, I think I'll just save you all the time of actually watching the debates. Pretty much all the candidates are going to say the same thing from now until the Iowa Caucus (except for Ron Paul who appeals to those who flunked economics, Ron has his own brand of crazy). All the candidates are trying to rack up as many endorsements as they can, mostly from the thousands of groups who are committed to ending the persecutions of the Christians in this country who obviously are forced to praise God in secret, forming house churches that are two steps from being outed by their neighbors (for the noise) and dragged off to the FEMA Re-Education Camps.

You can pretty much insert this text for the "blah blah blah" they're going to say. Again, except for Ron "End the Fed" Paul. This is offered as a time saving exercise.
"Brothers! Oh, brothers. We have all gathered here, to preserve our hallowed culture and heritage. We aim to pull evil up by the root, before it chokes out the flower of our culture and heritage. And our women, let's not forget those ladies, y'all. Looking to us for protection. From darkies, from Jews, from papists, and from all those smart-ass folks say we come descended from monkeys. That's not my culture and heritage. Is that your culture and heritage?!" - Homer Stokes
Then add in the stock arguments of "evolution is teh evil" and "we don't see no global climate change" and you pretty much got it. What I keep hearing from the right isn't so much, "We've got better ideas" as it is, "Keep Obama a one-term president."


fabutronic sheila said...

FEMA re-education camps?! Oh, noes!

Are those the places where they rendition the persecuted to what's left of New Orleans, where they will be waterboarded by the liberal elite nazi communists and then held in moldy trailers?

Steve Buchheit said...

We can no longer waterboard in New Orleans because of the presence of Naegleria fowleri. First you have the problems of giving the torturee a brain eating amoeba. And then you have the problem of cruelty to the N. fowleri by giving them a tainted food source, and we all know PETA won't stand for that.

vince said...

I'm not a Ron Paul fan, but I do agree with a lot of what he has to say on civil liberties, ending the drug war and a dramatically more isolationist American foreign policy.

Beyond that - GOP = Greed Over Principles.

Steve Buchheit said...

Vince, well I also agree to a lot of what the TP says. It's just that they're speaking in code ("lower taxes" = "no taxes (at least on us)" and "smaller government" - "no government (except when we need it)").

I also agree on ending the war on drugs, including Monsanto's monopoly on nylon rope (the real reason we can't grow hemp).

But I don't agree on his isolationist ideal. Withdrawl from the world won't help us (if 9/11 is instructive on any basis, it's on this) and the meager amount of foreign aid we spent earns us multiples in dividends (not to mention contracts for US businesses which then bring that money back into the US - not all of it, but a goodly percentage). I do think it needs to be restructured on how, where, and why we give assistance. Right now I think the legacy structures from the Cold War are hampering our ability to leverage those dollars effectively to our best national interests.